Trust in God.  It’s amazing how trusting in God can be so simple and yet so profound at the same time.  God tells us to trust Him.  We know that He is trustworthy.  We desperately want to trust Him.  We know we should trust Him, we need to trust Him. But how much do we REALLY trust Him?  “Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses, but we trust in the Name of the Lord our God.”  Psalm 20:7

I thought I did trust God.  I thought I was ok.  My goodness gracious, I’m a missionary.  I was serving God.  I was doing all the right things, wasn’t I?  Then why did I feel so hopeless, so helpless, so distraught?  Why did I want to just crawl in a hole and stay there?  Why did even the thought of talking to people, spending time with others make me cringe inside?  Why was I tired all of the time?  Where was the zest for life, the desire to see people come to know the Lord?  Where was the desire to press into Jesus?  Why did God seem so distant? 

I first realized that I felt like this in December 2013, although I had been feeling like that for quite some time prior to that.  I just continued plodding on.  What else was I going to do?  Leave the girls that I loved?  Leave the ministry that I had been serving at for the past 10 years?  Go back to the States and do what exactly?  A dear friend suggested that I go back to the USA on furlough. So, I went. 

On the way back to the States, I stayed at the Juniper Tree in Dolphin Bay, a resort specifically for missionaries for 10 days.  For the first time in I don’t know how long, I spent all day just seeking God and enjoying Him in His creation.  For the first time in I don’t know how long, I started to relax and find my way back to God.  Or maybe I have that backwards.  God drew me back to Himself. 

Over the next 5 months in the USA, God started to minister to my heart.  He gave me a new perspective on things.  He began to challenge me in a way that I hadn’t allowed Him to do in my life for a long time.  He began to show me that He had a plan to do something new in my life.  God showed me very clearly that I was not to go back and work in the same ministry I had been working at for the past 10 years.  He had something new for me. But God didn’t tell me where specifically He was leading me.  God wanted to know if I would obey Him whether or not I knew the next step.  I can honestly say that was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make in my entire life.  I loved that ministry.  I loved the girls, the people.  I loved the city I lived in.  I loved my house and my comfortable life.  And then it hit me.  It was TOO comfortable.  I wasn’t relying on God.  I was relying on myself.  It was too easy.  I didn’t need God.  I could do it all on my own. 

Would I trust God and take the leap of faith to leave my comfort zone?  Even up until the day I arrived back in Thailand I was still going back and forth in my head – stay or go?  Even though I had been telling people I was leaving, I confess there was a part of me that really wanted to stay.  But I knew I couldn’t stay and be in God’s will at the same time.  I took the leap of faith.

I arrived back in Thailand on September 9^th, and it wasn’t until the first week of November that I knew the next step.  It’s amazing how one day I would be overflowing with praise to God and would be sure of His leading.  The next day I would be filled with fear - fear of the unknown, fear of the “what if’s”.  Why couldn’t I just trust God everyday all day?   “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”  Prov. 3:5-6

You might think that as soon as I had the confirmation from God that Destiny Rescue was the next step, that it was smooth sailing.  It was and it wasn’t. 

I say this quite literally:  God worked every detail out. 

God provided the paperwork and the money for a new 90 day visa.  I had the paperwork for the visa in one day.  I left for Laos the following day.  Two days later I had the visa and came back to Thailand – no problems whatsoever.  Then I had to find a house.  I found one within 5 days.  There were two other houses I wanted to rent, but I was told to wait by Destiny staff.  Not something I really wanted to hear, but I said ok, Lord, I’ll wait.  Literally, within minutes of me telling both God and Destiny staff that I would wait, we got a call about a house, and this house was THE PERFECT house, and my landlord is a believer.  Then I had to move all of my stuff to the new city I’m living in, an almost 2 hour drive.  God provided a dear friend’s family to come help who brought some awesome Khmu people (Khmu people are a tribal group living in northern Thailand).  We had a total of 4 trucks and they are amazing packers.  They amazingly got all of my stuff on the back of all 4 pickup trucks.  (I so wish I had pictures of this incredible feat, but at the time I couldn’t remember where I had packed my camera.  One truck with a high backed camper shell had 4 bookcases on their sides with a mattress on top and a desk on the tailgate.)  We made it safely to Chiang Rai in one trip. 

At every step in this process, I freaked out.  Not visibly for anyone to see.  At night, when I was trying to sleep, I’d talk to God.  Sometimes I wouldn’t talk to God – I’d just talk to myself.  (No, I didn’t answer myself, so we’re ok on that one!)  I’d think “what if”.  I was scared they wouldn’t approve my visa.  I was frustrated at having to spend money on a trip to Laos for the visa because I didn’t realize ahead of time that I’d have to leave the country.  I was terrified I’d spend 4-5 days going back and forth between Chiang Khong and Chiang Rai to move all of my stuff.  I was afraid no one would help me move.  I just wanted a house, any house would do.  I didn’t want to wait.  I was frustrated that I didn’t have a house the first day of looking.  “I will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation.”  Isaiah 12:2b

When God would work out a certain detail, I’d praise God and then I’d start worrying about the next detail.  God worked that detail out, and then I’d worry about the next detail.  I’d say God, if you’d only do such and such, everything will be ok and I won’t worry anymore.  God would do such and such, and I’d praise Him.  Then I’d worry again.

So, as we move into 2015, the big issue that’s on my heart is TRUST.  I look at my life from the perspective of where I was at spiritually and emotionally a year ago, and there is no comparison.  I look back and ask myself why didn’t I trust God?  He’s so obviously been working and leading me every step of the way.  I can truly say from the bottom of my heart:  God is trustworthy.  He and He alone holds the future in His hands.  He is my Rock and my Fortress.  I WILL NOT, NO NOT be moved.  It’s a conscious decision to trust God.  It’s not a feeling.  As I look back, I realize that I’ve relied on my feelings more than the truth of God’s Word.  I want to challenge all of us, including myself, to make a conscious decision to trust God.  Trust God when what you see with your eyes tells you something different.  Trust God when you can’t see the outcome. Trust God when it’s not convenient.  Trust God when others tell you not to.  Trust God when your flesh tells you not to.  Trust God when you don’t understand.  Trust God and He will bring you through the eye of the storm.